


Lesbian Vampyres From Outer Space

by epic_cephalopod



Series: Fluffy AU Challenge [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Vampire, B-Movies, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Gen, Goths, Lesbian Vampires, Songfic, The Scary Bitches (Band), Vampires, Vampyre with a y, b-movie au, background garashir, sorta - Freeform, vampire crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-12 11:02:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18009719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epic_cephalopod/pseuds/epic_cephalopod
Summary: When Deep Space Nine is attacked by Lesbian Vampyres From Outer Space, many female, femme and WLW station residents are taken captive. Its up to Sisko and the remaining crew to rescue them.Inspired by the songLesbian Vampyres From Outer Spaceby the Scary Bitches.VAMPIRE AU sorta.





	1. The Deadliest Weapon Is the Art of Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely a gen fic - the relationships exist within the story, but it isn't really about any of them. 
> 
> This fic is mostly crack. (Ok its all crack. But hopefully its a fun romp!)
> 
> Also I accidentally posted a rough rough ROUGH draft of this - props to anyone who came back after that lol

Sisko would never forget the day the station was attacked by vampires. In all of the long and storied history of Starfleet, encounters with vampires had rarely been recorded - Sikso was unsurprised to find out this wasn’t even the first time there had been contact with similar entities - and the encounter was burned into his memory from so, so many retellings to various branches of Starfleet and Bajoran governments. And it was just. WEIRD. Really weird. Even for Deep Space Nine, and Prophets know things went tits up out here more often than not out on the edge of the quadrant

It was an average day on the station, if a little busier than usual as it was a ‘weekend’ for the majority of Bajorans. The promenade was full of folks shopping, socializing and otherwise going about their day. Temple services had just ended and from his seat in the replimat he could see Major Kira stopping to chat with a Vedic as folks continued to stream out past them, laughing and calling out to friends and bustling off to brunch.

And suddenly, without warning, the promenade was full of screaming as humanoid creatures seemed to appear from nowhere, dropping from the ceiling with what appeared to be batlike wings. Benjamin immediately grabbed Nog and Jake who were with him, dragging them under the table they’d been sharing in the Replimat. Across the room he could see Garak had pulled Bashir under their usual table as well, holding the CMO back from rushing headlong into the fray armed with little more than a butter knife and a medical tricorder.

The Cardassian, however, had produced a disruptor from somewhere, and Sisko decided to pretend he hadn’t seen that as Garak took aim from behind a table and attempted to take out some of the creatures before they reached the replimat, but the Cardassian disruptor had no effect on the creatures, nor did it seem, did the Federation phasers, if the shouts from outside the entrance were anything to go by.

‘Great. This is just great.’ thought Sisko. ‘Even the damn Jem’hadar can be taken out with a couple of good phasers and determination.’ As they landed, Sisko could see they appeared to be female, and what he’s thought were wings appeared to be capes and cloaks in a riotous variety of fabrics, all black. They appeared to be quite pale, with little in common aside from a dark colour theme, glowing red eyes and….were those...fangs?!

Yes, it appeared the creatures had some kind of fangs, which they were sinking into the necks of the folks they landed on, and Sisko noticed a curious pattern emerge very quickly. If the creatures landed on a man, they’d sink those fangs in their victims, rendering them unconcious very quickly. The women they landed up on, however, were taken gently in their arms as they launched themselves back upwards, disappearing before reaching the hull of the station.

Everything was in chaos. Sisko slapped his communicator “Security to the Promenade! Constable, there appear to be...there appear to be vampires from outer space attacking.”

He needn’t have bothered, as Odo was already well aware of the situation and currently attempting to wrest an unconscious Major Kira from the arms of one of the creatures. Odo was just about the only security officer not bleeding, accomplished by the simple fact of not actually having any blood. The vampire who’d sunk her teeth into him grimaced as she spat out a mouthful of Odo, which quickly oozed back over and into the Constable.

For all his abilities, however, the creatures still managed to overwhelm him in a swarm, and he was spread far too thin at the height he’d reached attempting to wrest her back, and he quickly snapped back down to ground level. The creatures looked truly terrifying the longer the fight went on as blood of various colours from various species dripped down their faces as they feasted on the occupants of the station.

In the distance, he could hear a high pitched skreeeeeeee sound - not quite an *alarm* per se, but it certainly acted like one in such a situation, and it was certainly alarming...

The whine became louder as its source, one of the the station’s resident Ferengi burst into the Replimat. Quark followed his brother, eyes wild as Rom’s high pitched shrieking paused and he began shouting.

“We’re under attack, from the upper quarter! Watch out for your sister, your moogie and your daughters!” Rom wailed “They’ve got my Leeta!”

“What happened Rom?” yelled Sisko, but Rom had returned to his skreeeeeeeeeing and was weeping into his hands.

“You better watch out! I’m telling you Mister! What’s Starfleet doing? Its a fuckin’ disgrace!” muttered Quark, diving behind the tables nearest Sisko, dragging a whimpering Rom behind him.

“Spit it out Quark, what happened!”

“We were in the bar when suddenly these creatures appeared from nowhere, grabbing up my dabo girls! I’ll have you know I’ll be writing up a complaint to the Federation AND Bajoran’s about this incident. I can’t run a business like this, with my dabo girls being stolen by...by...these….” Quark sputtered, at a loss for words.

“LESBIAN VAMPYRES FROM OUTER SPACE!” the cry came from the creatures themselves, in perfect unison as they slowed their assault, launching themselves hullward and carrying away the women in their arms.

As quickly as they came, the creatures were gone, their strange battle cry ringing in the ears of the remaining residents. The station was eerily silent as folks began to emerge from their various hiding places. A quick visual confirmed what Sisko feared - in the replimat alone, the number of women present had shrunk by about a third. Garak had finally lost his hold on Doctor Bashir, shaking his head at the chaos around them.

Bashir had begun shouting orders to the dazed remains of the security staff to get the wounded to Medical for triage, and in a quieter voice was muttering orders over the comm to the remaining nursing staff to start synthesizing blood for the various species on the station.

Sisko left Nog and Jake with the elder Ferengi, and made his way towards Odo, and began barking out orders of his own.

“Constable! I need a list of everyone missing on my desk as soon as possible. Let the remaining senior staff know I need their reports. Doctor! Get me as much information as you can gather about these creatures!” Sisko sighed and ran a hand over his face. This was going to be a hell of a day. “And someone get me a triple raktajino!”


	2. Thinker, Tailor, Lizard, Spy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in which Garak shows off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for posting such a bit of crack with no follow up! I'm currently in the process of moving (this weekend!!!) and I was also sick, and surprisingly the kind of sick where even gay lizard augment sex wasn't able to make me feel better (because I couldn't read it! or write it! how rude!). I should be back to writing more regularly, and reading (I know I'm behind on e v e r y t h i n g) fairly soon.

An hour later Sisko was in his office doing his best impression of someone who wasn’t mildly hysterical. When O’Brien had arrived for the meeting, he’d taken one look at the Captain and had quietly emptied a flask into the his mug. Whatever it was had enough of a bite to fuzz Sisko’s nerves and bring his ire down to a dull roar.

He looked around at the remaining (male) senior staff and noticed Garak was there as well. He was never *quite* sure how or why Garak managed to show up for these particularly weird meetings, but he generally came with access codes and the occasional good idea despite his irritating ‘plain, simple, tailor’ facade. With Dax and Kira missing and the Constable’s report sounding grim, they could use all the help they could get.

“...and I hate to say it, but it looks like security was hit hardest - between the Militia and Starfleet, a little more than half of our security team is female, and about two thirds of them were taken along with civilians.  With the exception of people who were in the habitat ring where they barely heard what was happening, there are reports of missing residents from every area of the station.” Odo scowled. He did not appreciate these creatures creeping their way onto the station under his watch.

“Any thoughts on how the creatures got in?”

“None sir” grumbled Odo “No signs of forced entry, no security breaches we can find in the computer systems. By all appearances they seem to have literally come out of nowhere.”

“For Gods sake man, how did they get past our sensors? Our technology? They came here on a ship! HOW DID WE NOT SEE THEM COMING?!” Sisko shouted, eyes bulging as he glared at the remains of his staff.

Chief O’Brien hunched his shoulders as he stepped forward “Well sir, ah, you see...it's the damnedest thing, and we never thought to update it since they worked just fine but...well...the telescopes use mirrors.”

“The telescopes...what?! Mirrors! It is the 24th century and you’re telling me we still use mirror technology in our telescopes?” he snapped, slamming his hand down on the desk.

“You can take that up with the bloody Cardies who built this station. No offense intended.” The Chief nodded at Garak in a way that indicated that, in fact, full offense was intended. Garak politely tipped his head in a way that indicated that full offense was taken and returned with interest.  Doctor Bashir, noticing the exchange, scowled and stepped between the two men.

“What about the security footage?” Sisko asked

“Nothing there either sir” muttered O’Brien, and Sisko simply stared at him in disbelieving silence. “Oh well, you can watch the video and *see* everyone running and screaming and even flying up into the air, but you can’t see any of the scary bastards. Bitches. Whatever.”

Sisko rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “Well we’ve got to do something about these blood sucking monsters in flying saucers. They’ve got Major Kira, Dax and nearly a third of the women on the station. We need to get them back. I want ideas.”

“Constable, did I hear correctly that these...creatures....completely avoided the habitat ring?” Garak asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as Odo nodded. “As well, they do not appear to be captured on video recording device, nor can we see their reflection in mirrors?”

“Correct. Thank you for restating what we already know, Mr. Garak.” Odo harrumphed.

“Hm. You already know, but clearly, do not seem to see.” Garak sniffed in a way that said ‘I’m being polite because we all have to live and work together on this gulsforsaken space station, but you are being exceedingly dense’. Most people who’ve worked in customer service are familiar with this particularly sniff, often accompanied by a dubious ‘I see’, or, if you have reached Retail DefCon 1, ‘As I Was Just Saying.’  "As I was saying before being so _rudely_ interrupted, it appears these creatures seem to have characteristics similar to those of the Cardassian ‘as’ekte’, or as the Terran’s call them, ‘vampires’ - for example, they were unable to penetrate into the habitat ring...no one invited them. The creatures named themselves as ‘vampyre’ as they left, did the not?”

“Son of a bitch, they did didn’t they?” Sisko murmured, eye widening “So that means….”

“That means,” Garak interjected smoothly, “That we may be able to fight them with some knowledge. We don’t know what's true or not, but we might have a better chance with some information rather than none.  For example, on Cardassia, we have been told the as’ekte are very, very clean and compulsive. Canka nuts are used to distract them - if one needs to escape one can toss the nuts behind themselves, or at the feet of the as’ekte. They are compelled to stop and count all of them.”

“Brilliant, Mr. Garak! So they’re obsessive compulsive about counting and they can’t enter living quarters without being invited. Anything else? Anyone?”

“There is a Klingon story about a similar creature. They can be killed by a stake through the heart, or by beheading them.” Worf nodded.

“Of course they can, *most* things can be killed by beheading. Its getting close enough to do so that’s the trick.” Garak rolled his eyes. Klingons. So unsophisticated!

Sisko shot the Klingon a warning look as he began to bristle at the insult. He really didn’t need a fight right now, “Gentlemen, gentlemen...we know their weaknesses, or we can find them. Next, we need to get close enough to fight them and rescue our people. We need a plan of attack.”

Julian jumped forward from between the Chief and his lover. “We need to fight! We shall defend our space station, we shall never surrender! We shall fight on the bulkheads, we shall fight on the landing pads…”

Miles cuffed the doctor hard on the shoulder, cutting him off mid speech “Enough of that ye limey brat, I’ll not deal with Lesbian Vampyres From Outer Space AND you quoting that colonialist Irish hating bastard at me!”

Julian grew quiet and crossed his arms, sulking next to Garak, before perking up “Once more unto the breach?”

Miles sighed “Yeah, ok, fine. Git. But that’s still not an idea.”

“Actually, Chief, perhaps our dear Doctor is on to something with your Terran Shakespeare here.” Garak was tapping his chin with a faraway look. “Yes, I think an idea from those ridiculous ‘comedies’ could work here…”

“Well then, it seems like your on a roll today Garak! What do you suggest?” Julian was excited. He loved when Garak used his Super Secret Cardassian Obsidian Order Spy Skills.

He smiled at Julian indulgently. “Hopefully you’ll be this excited to execute it my dear Doctor Bashir. But first, we can assume these creatures have a ship nearby, which they must have been transported to in some way.  I doubt they’ll strike the station again immediately - letting us stew in confusion and potential superstition would be in their best interest - but they will strike again because many of them did leave empty handed, as it were. I say we give them bait.  We disguise ourselves as the fairer sex, and hide the other women on the station in the habitat ring. We allow them to kidnap some of us and we can go in prepared for a rescue.”

Garak smiled at the crew, who were silent.

“.....you know, that's not actually the worst idea.” muttered the Chief irritably after a few moments.  Worf glared at him, but everyone else seemed to be warming up to the idea rather quickly.

 “No, it certainly isn’t!” sniffed Garak. “And it just so happens you have a very skilled tailor at your disposal to make everyone look as good as possible.”

 Sisko looked around the room as the rest of the staff muttered their approval, Worf still stone faced. “Well, there we go. Odo, assemble a team. Bashir, O’Brien? Research vampire fighting techniques. Garak? Prepare the gowns. We’re doing this.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as’ekte - Cardassian Vampyre. Because why not. 
> 
> And yeah, the x/xx chapters keeps changing. I've actually not finished the story completely so the number of chapters is influx.

**Author's Note:**

> There was also a dumb meme I saw around the same time of Paul Ryan in a tinfoil hat with an easel saying “If telescopes use mirrors we’ll never see space vampires coming” which is where that bit came from.
> 
> This also made me think of an Aurielo Voltaire "OH MY GOTH" comic that had a list of why Goths are not allowed in Star Fleet:
> 
> "A Klingon Bird of Prey is not a stuffed raven you keep on your shoulder!"
> 
> "Worf accidentally mates with the lead singer of London After Midnight. His body is sent back to Earth in several small bags"
> 
> "Due to the number of Goths on the Enterprise, Spock is voted funniest guy on the ship"
> 
> "No one could stop laughing after calling "Ensign Vlad the Impaler" to the bridge"
> 
> I'll have to see if I can find the actual comic and dig up the list.


End file.
